So it's been several months since I've written on this thing. I remember when I used to keep a pretty up to date blog on Myspace. I also used to keep a journal and a video journal updated pretty regularly. But those days have long since past. I've become lost behind a vision of screams and electronic dreams. I've become something different entirely.
That great combination of drugs that I thought would fully heal me of my Depression didn't exactly work out in the end. The past couple of months, I have been battling my Depression, my Darkness, once more. But I guess that's just how my life works. I can always grasp onto happiness for brief moments, but just like the sun always sets, Darkness of Night returns.
There is no cure for Depression. There is no cure for my illness which has effected me my whole life. There never will be. All I can do is pick up my sword and do battle once more. Again and again. Until finally Fate decides to take me from this pitiful world. But, even though as painful as this Depression is, I hope I don't die anytime soon.
Yes, the Depression sucks. Yes, never being given the chance to truly be 100% happy sucks. Yes, it has definitely taken it's toll on my mind and on those who are closest to me. But that is no reason to give up. If anything, it's the best reason to keep fighting. I can never let the Darkness truly take over, never let it truly win this tug of war. I'll be damned if I sit back and watch as my illness allows me to destroy everything and everyone I hold dear in life.
Of course, my new little "home remedy" helps a little. I'm starting to become slightly addicted to taking two painkillers and a Zanex every day. It's not a smart thing to be doing. Taking painkillers everyday. But it's all I've got right now to help me deal with what's going on inside my heart, soul, and mind. Could be worse I suppose. I could easily become an alcoholic. Drown my sorrows in a bottle. And maybe taking painkillers and anti-anxiety pills isn't any better in your mind, but damn, at this point, I'll take any shred of happiness I can get.
I'm trying my best to pick up the broken pieces of my life from this past year and move on. In the past year, I learned that both my parents had cancer. There was a time not too long ago where I was faced with the thought of being an orphan, of losing two of the most important people in my life. Death scares the shit out of me. The thought of losing both my parents was unbearable.
But my dad is doing much better. He's taking a low dose of chemo to help the cancer stay in remission. My mom's breast cancer has been taken care of. I think it's about time I stop focusing so much on the "what would have happened if they both died" and now get back to trying to live my life.
I know my parents still need my help from time to time. Help around the house, help taking my dad to his doctor appointments. But after all that has happened this past year, I think it's time for me to sit back and try to focus on fixing me. Maybe you think I'm a bad son, but these last few weeks I've barely been spending any time with my parents. I hardly talk to them. Yes, that's evil of me, but I really need some time to myself to really think things through. Don't get me wrong, I still love both my parents very dearly, but I've got to find a way to get over my paranoia and fear of their death less it consumes me into madness.
The last few days I've been trying my best to fix some broken things between me and my Queen, my Wife, my Love. For several weeks now, hell maybe even longer, there has been a certain tension between us. Harsh words have been said by both of us. But after a long night of talking and discussing things, I think me and my wife have settled any disagreements between us.
The other night when we spent the whole night just hanging out and talking...it reminded me so much of what it was like in the early years of our relationship.
And for the first time in what seems forever, I felt a very strong connection to my wife again. No, I never stopped loving her. But instead of just knowing in my mind that she's my wife, after that night I actually FELT like she was my wife and my Best Friend. And it feels wonderful to be feeling that connection with her again.
The tides of war may always be shifting in my mind, but one thing always remains a constant truth. I Never Give Up. I've already battled this illness for 30 years, and I have to do it for another 30, then so be it. But never shall I go quietly into the dark.
~D. C. Blanton
