So it's been several months since I've written on this thing. I remember when I used to keep a pretty up to date blog on Myspace. I also used to keep a journal and a video journal updated pretty regularly. But those days have long since past. I've become lost behind a vision of screams and electronic dreams. I've become something different entirely.
That great combination of drugs that I thought would fully heal me of my Depression didn't exactly work out in the end. The past couple of months, I have been battling my Depression, my Darkness, once more. But I guess that's just how my life works. I can always grasp onto happiness for brief moments, but just like the sun always sets, Darkness of Night returns.
There is no cure for Depression. There is no cure for my illness which has effected me my whole life. There never will be. All I can do is pick up my sword and do battle once more. Again and again. Until finally Fate decides to take me from this pitiful world. But, even though as painful as this Depression is, I hope I don't die anytime soon.
Yes, the Depression sucks. Yes, never being given the chance to truly be 100% happy sucks. Yes, it has definitely taken it's toll on my mind and on those who are closest to me. But that is no reason to give up. If anything, it's the best reason to keep fighting. I can never let the Darkness truly take over, never let it truly win this tug of war. I'll be damned if I sit back and watch as my illness allows me to destroy everything and everyone I hold dear in life.
Of course, my new little "home remedy" helps a little. I'm starting to become slightly addicted to taking two painkillers and a Zanex every day. It's not a smart thing to be doing. Taking painkillers everyday. But it's all I've got right now to help me deal with what's going on inside my heart, soul, and mind. Could be worse I suppose. I could easily become an alcoholic. Drown my sorrows in a bottle. And maybe taking painkillers and anti-anxiety pills isn't any better in your mind, but damn, at this point, I'll take any shred of happiness I can get.
I'm trying my best to pick up the broken pieces of my life from this past year and move on. In the past year, I learned that both my parents had cancer. There was a time not too long ago where I was faced with the thought of being an orphan, of losing two of the most important people in my life. Death scares the shit out of me. The thought of losing both my parents was unbearable.
But my dad is doing much better. He's taking a low dose of chemo to help the cancer stay in remission. My mom's breast cancer has been taken care of. I think it's about time I stop focusing so much on the "what would have happened if they both died" and now get back to trying to live my life.
I know my parents still need my help from time to time. Help around the house, help taking my dad to his doctor appointments. But after all that has happened this past year, I think it's time for me to sit back and try to focus on fixing me. Maybe you think I'm a bad son, but these last few weeks I've barely been spending any time with my parents. I hardly talk to them. Yes, that's evil of me, but I really need some time to myself to really think things through. Don't get me wrong, I still love both my parents very dearly, but I've got to find a way to get over my paranoia and fear of their death less it consumes me into madness.
The last few days I've been trying my best to fix some broken things between me and my Queen, my Wife, my Love. For several weeks now, hell maybe even longer, there has been a certain tension between us. Harsh words have been said by both of us. But after a long night of talking and discussing things, I think me and my wife have settled any disagreements between us.
The other night when we spent the whole night just hanging out and talking...it reminded me so much of what it was like in the early years of our relationship.
And for the first time in what seems forever, I felt a very strong connection to my wife again. No, I never stopped loving her. But instead of just knowing in my mind that she's my wife, after that night I actually FELT like she was my wife and my Best Friend. And it feels wonderful to be feeling that connection with her again.
The tides of war may always be shifting in my mind, but one thing always remains a constant truth. I Never Give Up. I've already battled this illness for 30 years, and I have to do it for another 30, then so be it. But never shall I go quietly into the dark.
~D. C. Blanton
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Shedding Darkness
I am reborn. I have shed my old darkened skin and awoke to find myself alive again. My wings are spread wide and I'm ready to fly.
After over 15 years of fighting this damn disease, I think we've finally found the right combination of meds that give me the strenght and will power to live again.
Sometimes in my mind I see myself as a super hero. A warrior of light who fights the darkness and inner demons. And now I feel like I've gotten my super powers back. I look at my soul and see the battlefield of broken bones and corpses of my inner demons.
For the first time in my life, I feel truly alive. For the first time, I feel like I have a future.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
When The Stars Aligned
Let's take the magic pill and go back in time to Christmas Night 10 years ago. I had just turned 20. I was depressed out of my mind from the heartbreak of what happened between me and my ex, Amber. It was a dark time in my life. A very dark time.
So for Christmas my parents got me a new CD Player for my truck. Well guess what? All but one of the back speakers were blown. Sucked to be me. So on Christmas night I go over to my Aunt and Uncle's house because my uncle is gonna help me find the right speakers for my truck online.
I'm somewhere in the back of the house, talking to my Aunt and Uncle. Then my Uncle wants to take me to the front of the house where their den is. In the den is the computer where he is going to show me some speakers.
Unknown to me at the time, there was a group of people hanging out in that den. My cousin Stephanie was being visited by two of her best friends, Ashley and Lynn. Lynn had been set up on this date with some dude who was also there.
Fate. Looking back at it now, fuck, it had to have been Fate. The Stars Aligned for one perfect moment in time. I didn't see it coming. Hell, you can't see Fate working it's delicious magic until it's already hit you right in the face.
Me and my Uncle walked into the den. I see Ashley. The Freak Gurl, as I would come to call her. You see, everyone else in that room looked "normal". Except me and Ashley. I was wearing all black with a black choker with green plastic spikes around my neck.
Ashley was wearing a black Kittie (all female metal band) t-shirt, and she had her nose and eyebrow pierced (I would find out later she also had her tongue pierced). She was sitting on a love seat by herself. I just kind of stood there and looked at her. First words that I ever spoke to her was, "Nice Shirt".
Amazing how two simple words can spark something great, isn't it?
I ended up sitting down next to her. She reached over and touched my green plastic spikes. This was a good sign. Oh yes, it was.
As the minutes rolled by, Ashley kept holding a pillow up to cover the side of her face as she whispered something I couldn't hear to my cousin Stephanie. Later I would find out that Ashley was telling my cousin, "He's hot!".
Now my memory in my old wicked age fades a bit from there. Somehow someway we had to part ways. I was going to be spending the night at my Aunt and Uncles' because they wanted me to go shopping with them the next morning. Ashley ended up taking the loser guy home and her and Lynn went back to Ashley's house.
That night, as I found out later, Lynn was brushing Ashley's hair and all Ashley could talk about was me. Me, of all people, me. She kept saying to Lynn how a guy like me would never have an interest in a girl like her, or surely a guy like me would have a girlfriend.
The next day, I asked my cousin Stephanie for that "Freak Gurl's" email address (I was nervous as hell to talk to her over the phone). I called her Freak Gurl because for the life of me I couldn't remember Ashley's name. My cousin ended up giving Ashley my email address.
And the rest, as they say, is history. We started emailing each other, then started talking over the phone. I hung out with her and some of her friends a couple of times. Then on New Year's Eve we made if official. We started dating. We went to the local park that night and kissed under the stars at the stroke of midnight. The same park, might I add, where I would end up proposing to her.
We've been together for 10 years now. March the 24th will be 5 years of marriage. Things haven't always been great. We hit some lows before. But we survived. We learned from our mistakes and we've stayed together. She really is the best thing to ever happen to me.
My dear Freak Gurl, my angel, my Queen. I love you, always and forever.
~Dustin Blanton
So for Christmas my parents got me a new CD Player for my truck. Well guess what? All but one of the back speakers were blown. Sucked to be me. So on Christmas night I go over to my Aunt and Uncle's house because my uncle is gonna help me find the right speakers for my truck online.
I'm somewhere in the back of the house, talking to my Aunt and Uncle. Then my Uncle wants to take me to the front of the house where their den is. In the den is the computer where he is going to show me some speakers.
Unknown to me at the time, there was a group of people hanging out in that den. My cousin Stephanie was being visited by two of her best friends, Ashley and Lynn. Lynn had been set up on this date with some dude who was also there.
Fate. Looking back at it now, fuck, it had to have been Fate. The Stars Aligned for one perfect moment in time. I didn't see it coming. Hell, you can't see Fate working it's delicious magic until it's already hit you right in the face.
Me and my Uncle walked into the den. I see Ashley. The Freak Gurl, as I would come to call her. You see, everyone else in that room looked "normal". Except me and Ashley. I was wearing all black with a black choker with green plastic spikes around my neck.
Ashley was wearing a black Kittie (all female metal band) t-shirt, and she had her nose and eyebrow pierced (I would find out later she also had her tongue pierced). She was sitting on a love seat by herself. I just kind of stood there and looked at her. First words that I ever spoke to her was, "Nice Shirt".
Amazing how two simple words can spark something great, isn't it?
I ended up sitting down next to her. She reached over and touched my green plastic spikes. This was a good sign. Oh yes, it was.
As the minutes rolled by, Ashley kept holding a pillow up to cover the side of her face as she whispered something I couldn't hear to my cousin Stephanie. Later I would find out that Ashley was telling my cousin, "He's hot!".
Now my memory in my old wicked age fades a bit from there. Somehow someway we had to part ways. I was going to be spending the night at my Aunt and Uncles' because they wanted me to go shopping with them the next morning. Ashley ended up taking the loser guy home and her and Lynn went back to Ashley's house.
That night, as I found out later, Lynn was brushing Ashley's hair and all Ashley could talk about was me. Me, of all people, me. She kept saying to Lynn how a guy like me would never have an interest in a girl like her, or surely a guy like me would have a girlfriend.
The next day, I asked my cousin Stephanie for that "Freak Gurl's" email address (I was nervous as hell to talk to her over the phone). I called her Freak Gurl because for the life of me I couldn't remember Ashley's name. My cousin ended up giving Ashley my email address.
And the rest, as they say, is history. We started emailing each other, then started talking over the phone. I hung out with her and some of her friends a couple of times. Then on New Year's Eve we made if official. We started dating. We went to the local park that night and kissed under the stars at the stroke of midnight. The same park, might I add, where I would end up proposing to her.
We've been together for 10 years now. March the 24th will be 5 years of marriage. Things haven't always been great. We hit some lows before. But we survived. We learned from our mistakes and we've stayed together. She really is the best thing to ever happen to me.
My dear Freak Gurl, my angel, my Queen. I love you, always and forever.
~Dustin Blanton
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Black Rabbit
Unable to take this current medication any longer, I went and saw my doctor. He's going to put me on a different med, Abilify. Hopefully this one will be much better than the one I'm on now.
Because quite frankly, the past two months has been a trip down the rabbit hole that I wish I didn't take.
Everything has gotten twisted around in my head. I'm not the same person I was 2 months ago, and looking back now, I miss my old self. Sure, I would get randomly depressed and go into major funks. But at least I didn't have the bad shaking and the bad attitude. If Abilify doesn't work for me, then I'm going to get my doctor to just put me back on the med I was on originally.
I've been thinking about the past a lot this morning. Mainly, I've been thinking about the friendships I've made in the past that, over time, have become lost to me. I am not a social person, so some of the best friends I've had in life are the ones I've made online. I call these lost friends of the past, "Ghosts". Because even after all these years, I still randomly think about them, wonder how they're doing, what they're up to, if they even still remember me. I guess you could say that the old friendships "haunt" me.
Even so, there are friends I've made recently that I am still in touch with. People who I trust with my everyday rants and problems and really bad jokes.
There is Renee, my friend from Canada. I met her on deviantART. She's a brilliant poet who knows a lot about life. It never fails for us to write each other "novel" length messages to each other about our lives. Which is what I love, because even though we've been friends for several years now, we always have something new and interesting to talk about.
There is Alison, another astonishing poet and writer who I met on a old site called Free Open Diary about 10 years ago. She's in her early 20's now, and I've been talking to her since she was a teenager. In some weird internet way, I've watched her grow into an intelligent young woman. I almost feel like her creepy old uncle haha. I can always count on her for good advice, and what I respect most about her is that she doesn't judge me or hold it against me that we have different views on God and religion. She's probably the smartest Christian I've ever met. And she's completely obsessed with Harry Potter, which is a plus =P
Then there is Anna, a girl I used to go to high school with. We lost touch for a long time, only occasionally bumping into each other at Wal-Mart. But then after a tragedy in her life, we started talking again. She's also a writer (all my friends are writers haha). She's very creative and artistic. I know I can go to her about anything, any problem, and she'll always be there to listen and not judge me. She's not a religious person, but I would say she's very spiritual. She knows the darkest depths of Depression just like I do, and I hope I've helped her as much as she's helped me in the past.
I may not have very many friends, but the ones I do have, I count my blessings that they are apart of my life. Sure, I may never meet them in person, may never be able to actually hang out with them, but at the end of the day, I still count them as my closest friends because of the words we share together. What does a few hundred or thousand miles matter when it comes to the bond of true friendship?
~D. C. Blanton
Because quite frankly, the past two months has been a trip down the rabbit hole that I wish I didn't take.
Everything has gotten twisted around in my head. I'm not the same person I was 2 months ago, and looking back now, I miss my old self. Sure, I would get randomly depressed and go into major funks. But at least I didn't have the bad shaking and the bad attitude. If Abilify doesn't work for me, then I'm going to get my doctor to just put me back on the med I was on originally.
I've been thinking about the past a lot this morning. Mainly, I've been thinking about the friendships I've made in the past that, over time, have become lost to me. I am not a social person, so some of the best friends I've had in life are the ones I've made online. I call these lost friends of the past, "Ghosts". Because even after all these years, I still randomly think about them, wonder how they're doing, what they're up to, if they even still remember me. I guess you could say that the old friendships "haunt" me.
Even so, there are friends I've made recently that I am still in touch with. People who I trust with my everyday rants and problems and really bad jokes.
There is Renee, my friend from Canada. I met her on deviantART. She's a brilliant poet who knows a lot about life. It never fails for us to write each other "novel" length messages to each other about our lives. Which is what I love, because even though we've been friends for several years now, we always have something new and interesting to talk about.
There is Alison, another astonishing poet and writer who I met on a old site called Free Open Diary about 10 years ago. She's in her early 20's now, and I've been talking to her since she was a teenager. In some weird internet way, I've watched her grow into an intelligent young woman. I almost feel like her creepy old uncle haha. I can always count on her for good advice, and what I respect most about her is that she doesn't judge me or hold it against me that we have different views on God and religion. She's probably the smartest Christian I've ever met. And she's completely obsessed with Harry Potter, which is a plus =P
Then there is Anna, a girl I used to go to high school with. We lost touch for a long time, only occasionally bumping into each other at Wal-Mart. But then after a tragedy in her life, we started talking again. She's also a writer (all my friends are writers haha). She's very creative and artistic. I know I can go to her about anything, any problem, and she'll always be there to listen and not judge me. She's not a religious person, but I would say she's very spiritual. She knows the darkest depths of Depression just like I do, and I hope I've helped her as much as she's helped me in the past.
I may not have very many friends, but the ones I do have, I count my blessings that they are apart of my life. Sure, I may never meet them in person, may never be able to actually hang out with them, but at the end of the day, I still count them as my closest friends because of the words we share together. What does a few hundred or thousand miles matter when it comes to the bond of true friendship?
~D. C. Blanton
Sunday, February 19, 2012
The Price of Reality
I've been taking medications for my illness ever since I was 14 or 15. Over the course of the past 15 years, I've been on several different medications. Some of them defiantly worked better than others. Some gave false hope, only to fizzle out after a while.
Almost two months ago, my doctor took me off one of my medications, one I had been on for a long time. He replaced it with another medication. A medication that is supposed to help me think more clearly and help me fight my depression.
I can honestly say that the dark fog has been lifted from my mind. My mind finally feels free from the shackles of depression and madness. However, The Price of This Reality has come at a price.
It has horrible side effects. During the day time hours, I feel like a million bucks. I'm cracking jokes with my wife, I smile and laugh more, and everything in the world just makes sense. But then when the sun goes down, it all goes to shit. I get these really bad shakes in my body, as if I'm constantly cold. The thoughts in my mind get a little jumbled, and I lose all desire to do anything productive or constructive.
So, I finally find a medication that seems to really work for me, but these side effects are killer. Sometimes I've snapped at my wife, as if a little bit of the Darkness in my mind is allowed to speak.
What do I do? Do I go back to my old medication? Do I take the risk of being depressed (Doom and Gloom as my wife likes to call it) again, or do I stay on this medication with the knowledge that whenever night falls, I'll feel like complete and utter shit?
I see my doctor again the first week of March. Between now and then I've got to make a decision. A seemingly small yet important one. It's been a very long time since I've felt this happy and high on life. Am I ready to give up happiness?
Why can't things ever be simple?
~D. C. Blanton
Almost two months ago, my doctor took me off one of my medications, one I had been on for a long time. He replaced it with another medication. A medication that is supposed to help me think more clearly and help me fight my depression.
I can honestly say that the dark fog has been lifted from my mind. My mind finally feels free from the shackles of depression and madness. However, The Price of This Reality has come at a price.
It has horrible side effects. During the day time hours, I feel like a million bucks. I'm cracking jokes with my wife, I smile and laugh more, and everything in the world just makes sense. But then when the sun goes down, it all goes to shit. I get these really bad shakes in my body, as if I'm constantly cold. The thoughts in my mind get a little jumbled, and I lose all desire to do anything productive or constructive.
So, I finally find a medication that seems to really work for me, but these side effects are killer. Sometimes I've snapped at my wife, as if a little bit of the Darkness in my mind is allowed to speak.
What do I do? Do I go back to my old medication? Do I take the risk of being depressed (Doom and Gloom as my wife likes to call it) again, or do I stay on this medication with the knowledge that whenever night falls, I'll feel like complete and utter shit?
I see my doctor again the first week of March. Between now and then I've got to make a decision. A seemingly small yet important one. It's been a very long time since I've felt this happy and high on life. Am I ready to give up happiness?
Why can't things ever be simple?
~D. C. Blanton
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
The Darkness. What is it? Where did it come from?
It's been with me since the very beginning, even if I didn't always know it. It just didn't make itself known to me until I was about 12 or 13. When I hit my teenage years, everything changed. What was a great and simple childhood faded into shadows, and the War begun.
It's normal for a person to get depressed or a little sad now and then. Something bad happens, you get depressed. Your favorite pet dies, you get depressed. Your best friend betrays you, you get depressed. There are thousands of reasons for a normal person to naturally feel depressed. But as time goes on, they learn their lesson, they heal, and they move on.
I was different. I had these feelings, these thoughts of madness. I was getting depressed for no good reason. I was getting angry at everything and everyone. I was becoming more and more delusional. I had essentially dove head first down the rabbit hole, as it were.
When I was 15 I was put into a mental hospital. My parents were fortunately smart enough to see that their only son had a serious problem and got me the help I needed. I hated them for it at the time, but looking back at it 15 years later, it was the best thing that could have ever happen to me.
I was put on medications. Medications that took the edge off, but there is no cure for what I have. There is no cure for Major Depression. People seem to think that you just take your "Happy Pills" and everything is better. That one suffering from what I have is just supposed to be high all the time and care free because they're on "Happy Pills". I'm here to tell you first hand, it doesn't fucking work that way. The pills just give you a fighting chance. Help create a balance.
I've been battling this Darkness for so long, that thinking back to those early days of when I was just a mere teenager seem like such a distant memory. Did it even happen? Was I really that way? Where has my life gone?
Yet here I stand. I just turned 30 this past December. My teenage years along with my youthful 20's are now behind me. I stand here as a Testament, as a Survivor. My Depression, my very own personal Darkness, has not won the War. I have hundreds of emotional scars, and each one is a reminder and each one is a story to be told.
So why am I here? Why hasn't The Darkness won? Because, for some unknown reason to me, no matter how bad things get, I always had hope. There was always this single shred of Light that always refused to go out. What did I hope for? To be "normal"? To be truly happy? Pancakes? No, I just hope to make through another day. Because somehow I believe that one day it will get better. That in the grand scheme of things, one day, all this will make perfect sense. Then I can look myself in the mirror and be like, "Well yeah, that's why".
It's a new year. New year, new medication. I'm thinking more clear now. The Darkness, never gone, is for the first time in a long time, quietly at bay. Sure, I still get depressed every now and then, but it's no where near as bad as it has been in the past. I feel like I actually have control over The Darkness. I have a handle over it and I can use it as my own personal weapon. A shield of Light and a Sword of Darkness. Oh wait, is that me being delusional again?
I'm thankful that I have my lovely Queen, my wife. I'm thankful I have such a loving and understanding family. I don't have very many friends, but the ones I do have, I'm glad to be apart of their lives.
So here's hoping for a better tomorrow. And maybe, just maybe, one day it'll all make sense.
Your's Truly in Madness,
D. C. Blanton
It's been with me since the very beginning, even if I didn't always know it. It just didn't make itself known to me until I was about 12 or 13. When I hit my teenage years, everything changed. What was a great and simple childhood faded into shadows, and the War begun.
It's normal for a person to get depressed or a little sad now and then. Something bad happens, you get depressed. Your favorite pet dies, you get depressed. Your best friend betrays you, you get depressed. There are thousands of reasons for a normal person to naturally feel depressed. But as time goes on, they learn their lesson, they heal, and they move on.
I was different. I had these feelings, these thoughts of madness. I was getting depressed for no good reason. I was getting angry at everything and everyone. I was becoming more and more delusional. I had essentially dove head first down the rabbit hole, as it were.
When I was 15 I was put into a mental hospital. My parents were fortunately smart enough to see that their only son had a serious problem and got me the help I needed. I hated them for it at the time, but looking back at it 15 years later, it was the best thing that could have ever happen to me.
I was put on medications. Medications that took the edge off, but there is no cure for what I have. There is no cure for Major Depression. People seem to think that you just take your "Happy Pills" and everything is better. That one suffering from what I have is just supposed to be high all the time and care free because they're on "Happy Pills". I'm here to tell you first hand, it doesn't fucking work that way. The pills just give you a fighting chance. Help create a balance.
I've been battling this Darkness for so long, that thinking back to those early days of when I was just a mere teenager seem like such a distant memory. Did it even happen? Was I really that way? Where has my life gone?
Yet here I stand. I just turned 30 this past December. My teenage years along with my youthful 20's are now behind me. I stand here as a Testament, as a Survivor. My Depression, my very own personal Darkness, has not won the War. I have hundreds of emotional scars, and each one is a reminder and each one is a story to be told.
So why am I here? Why hasn't The Darkness won? Because, for some unknown reason to me, no matter how bad things get, I always had hope. There was always this single shred of Light that always refused to go out. What did I hope for? To be "normal"? To be truly happy? Pancakes? No, I just hope to make through another day. Because somehow I believe that one day it will get better. That in the grand scheme of things, one day, all this will make perfect sense. Then I can look myself in the mirror and be like, "Well yeah, that's why".
It's a new year. New year, new medication. I'm thinking more clear now. The Darkness, never gone, is for the first time in a long time, quietly at bay. Sure, I still get depressed every now and then, but it's no where near as bad as it has been in the past. I feel like I actually have control over The Darkness. I have a handle over it and I can use it as my own personal weapon. A shield of Light and a Sword of Darkness. Oh wait, is that me being delusional again?
I'm thankful that I have my lovely Queen, my wife. I'm thankful I have such a loving and understanding family. I don't have very many friends, but the ones I do have, I'm glad to be apart of their lives.
So here's hoping for a better tomorrow. And maybe, just maybe, one day it'll all make sense.
Your's Truly in Madness,
D. C. Blanton
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