The Price of Reality

I've been taking medications for my illness ever since I was 14 or 15. Over the course of the past 15 years, I've been on several different medications. Some of them defiantly worked better than others. Some gave false hope, only to fizzle out after a while.

Almost two months ago, my doctor took me off one of my medications, one I had been on for a long time. He replaced it with another medication. A medication that is supposed to help me think more clearly and help me fight my depression.

I can honestly say that the dark fog has been lifted from my mind. My mind finally feels free from the shackles of depression and madness. However, The Price of This Reality has come at a price.

It has horrible side effects. During the day time hours, I feel like a million bucks. I'm cracking jokes with my wife, I smile and laugh more, and everything in the world just makes sense. But then when the sun goes down, it all goes to shit. I get these really bad shakes in my body, as if I'm constantly cold. The thoughts in my mind get a little jumbled, and I lose all desire to do anything productive or constructive.

So, I finally find a medication that seems to really work for me, but these side effects are killer. Sometimes I've snapped at my wife, as if a little bit of the Darkness in my mind is allowed to speak.

What do I do? Do I go back to my old medication? Do I take the risk of being depressed (Doom and Gloom as my wife likes to call it) again, or do I stay on this medication with the knowledge that whenever night falls, I'll feel like complete and utter shit?

I see my doctor again the first week of March. Between now and then I've got to make a decision. A seemingly small yet important one. It's been a very long time since I've felt this happy and high on life. Am I ready to give up happiness?

Why can't things ever be simple?

~D. C. Blanton